Pic/Quote Thread #1

dougisfunny · **dougisfunny**

what Daikun quoted is urban legend... and there are about 3 more things to that list... don't have it handy though
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Daikun · **Daikun**

Daikun · **Daikun**

Have you found Nemo yet?

The_Dragon_Master · **The_Dragon_Master**

Joke Time!(and some other things too)

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother
of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from
necessary.

**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're
fifty?

**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not
meant to be.

**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

"On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes."

You're probably a dog...

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor or
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else." - Laurence J. Peter

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
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taste like a booger
but I look like a worm
and I bet you never seen
a booger that could squirm
I'll be here when you sneeze
I'll be here when you cough
'cuz I'm stuck on your finger
and you can't shake me off
Be-cause-I....(repeats)
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"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye."
- Samuel Grafton
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i owe, i owe, so off to work i go....
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Run rabbit Run, dig that hole catch the SUN.)
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New Motor
Eight years ago, my oldest son Matthew was a year old and had recently learned to walk. We had a fenced back yard so I let him roam around back there. One day, he came into the house making a motor sound, as little boys are want to do. On this day he was making the sound really well and I remember feeling impressed. I couldn't even do it as well as he could. I noticed that he was also drooling a lot, which was normal because he was teething at the time. I bent down to wipe his chin and realized that the slobber was quite a bit thicker than its normal consistency. It was then that I discovered that my little Matthew had a slug in his mouth! That's why his motor sound sounded so good! YUCK!
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Feed the Dog
I work at home and while I was upstairs typing away, my 4-year-old son was downstairs but within earshot. I thought that it was too quiet because I can usually hear either the TV going or my son playing with his toys. I went downstairs and I could not find my son at first. I eventually found him hiding behind a chair with our dog and a jar of peanut butter. He had the peanut butter all over himself, the chair and the dog. At the moment that I discovered him, he was holding out a huge, goopy handful of peanut butter and the dog was lapping it right up, slobbering all over the place. My son looked up at me with a big grin and said, "I wanted to help you, Mommy, so I fed the dog for you!"
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Stupid toilet humor!
There was an English man, Irish man, and a Scotsman, and they all flew over their different countries, when the English man flew over his country he chucked down a �1 coin but when he landed there was a little girl crying because her dad had got hit on the head by a �1 coin and had to go to hospital. The same thing happened with the Scotsman but it was a little boy crying because his mom got hit on the head by a �1 coin, and had to go to hospital. But when the Irish man flew over his country he hated his country so much that he threw down a hand granaid, and when he landed there were a little boy and a little girl laughing there heads off , so he said "why are you to laughing?" And the little girl replied "daddy farted and the house blew up!"
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blonde

There is a blonde in a cornfield rowing a boat when another blonde in a car pulls to the side of the
road and gets out of her car and says to the blonde in the cornfield "you know it's blondes like you
that give blondes like me a bad name. If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."
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Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
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What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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dizzyblonde
Q:How do do you get blodes dizzy?
A:Put them in a circular room and tell them there is a penny in the corner!!!
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magic mirror
There was once a magic morror. If you told a lie you would disappear, but if you told the truth you
would be granted a wish. A bernet walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the most beautiful
woman in the world." Puff, she disappered. A red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I
am the most beautiful woman in the world." Puff, she disappeared. Then a blonde walks up and
said, "I think........." Puff, she disappeared.

Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Cool

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
1 Cool

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

Revenge on Telemarketers
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. (Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old Calculator and do a little ciphering.)

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a Minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Amazingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling a cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7.Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA (or ARIZONA)
12. One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS
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A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
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There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. --Johnny Carson
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WHY WE GET SO MANY EMAILS FORWARDED TO US:
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do --you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. =)
_____________________________________________________________Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it:
"As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number and insurance company. But I'm not!"

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. -- Charles Schultz

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how ...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But its "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children CoughMedicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." ( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
Now that you've laughed your head off it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to have a good laugh... in other words send it to everyone. We all need a good smile every once in a while.
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Actually taken from a classified ad:
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
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Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
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"Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell." - Roseanne Barr

Carl Sandburg (1878-1967) Fog (1916)
The fog comes
On little cat feet.
It sits looking
Over harbor and city
On silent haunches
And then moves on.
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Robert Burns (1759-1796) Oh, My Love Is Like a Red, Red Rose (1796)
Oh, my love is like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June;
My love is like the melody
That's sweetly played in tune.
So Far art thou, my bonny lass,
So deep in love am I;
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till o' the seas gang dry.
Till o' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will love the still my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee well, my only love!
And fare thee well a while!
And I will come again, my love
Through it were ten thousand mile.
~_~_~ gang = go
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Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861) How Do I Love Thee? (1850)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being an ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall love thee better after death.
_~_~_~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "Sonnets from Portuguese" was origionally published in 1850 in a two volume publication titled Poems. "How Do I Love Thee?" us sonnet numbber XLIII from that work.
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The Honorable Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969)
34th President of the U.S.
Supreme Commander, Integrated European Deffencee Forces
From a speach before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16 1953

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children... This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent!"
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Computer Terminology
586 = The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art = Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete = Any computer you own.
Microsecond = The time it takes for yor state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 = Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error = Walking into a computer stire saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive = The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especiakky after a Syntax Error.
GUI = What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard = The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse = An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy = The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer = A device invented to force buisnessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on buisness trips.
Disk Crash = A typical computer responce to any critical deadline.
Power User = Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update = A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
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Actually taken from a classified ad:
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
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Actually taken from a classified ad:
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
________________________________________________________
The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR.POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
________________________________________________________
An actual excerpt from a classified section of a city newspaper.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
________________________________________________________
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, then what the hell was yesterday?
______________________________________________________________
Actually taken from a classified ad:

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
______________________________________________________________
Actually taken from a classified ad:

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300
______________________________________________________________

Xerox never comes up with anything original.
_________________
"I hope you haven't become too attached to your head, because in about two seconds it will be festively decorating that back wall."

The_Dragon_Master · **The_Dragon_Master**

Here are some quotes from Douglas Adam's books. Enjoy!

Douglas Adams Quote Directory

I thought that since alt.fan.pratchett has a quotes directory, alt.tv.red-dwarf also has a quotes
directory, why not alt.fan.douglas- adams? So, I locked myself away for a few days (pizzas slid
under the door so I wouldn't starve) and set to it. I decided to leave out the Liff books since they
are basically quotes in themselves and copying them here didn't seem right somehow. You'll notice
that some books have very few quotes here. This isn't because the books aren't funny (except,
perhaps, in the case of SLATFATF), it's because in later books DNA specialized in the throwaway
line which aren't funny on their own, but are when you've read the previous two pages.

If any of your favourite quotes are missing, mail them to me and I'll put 'em in.

Enjoy...

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

"...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything."
"But the plans were on display..."
"On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them."
"That's the display department."
"With a torch."
"Ah, well the lights had probably gone."
"So had the stairs."
"But look you found the notice didn't you?"
"Yes," said Arthur, "yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard"."

-- Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department.

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
"Very deep," said Arthur, "you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you."

-- Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at lunchtime.

"This must be Thursday," said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

-- Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth.

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."

-- An example of Damogran wildlife.

"The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat..."

-- The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.

"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasent about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."

-- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."

-- Zaphod.

"Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said. `Someone down there is trying to kill us!"
"Terrific," said Arthur.
"But don't you see what this means?"
"Yes. We are going to die."
"Yes, but apart from that."
"Apart from that?"
"It means we must be on to something!"
"How soon can we get off it?"

-- Zaphod and Arthur in a certain death situation over Magrathea.

"Oh no, not again."

-- A bowl of petunias on it's way to certain death.

"Right," said Ford, "I'm going to have a look."
He glanced round at the others.
"Is no one going to say, "No you can't possibly, let me go instead"?"
They all shook their heads.
"Oh well."

-- Ford attempting to be heroic whilst being seiged by Shooty and Bangbang.

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."

-- Zaphod being cool.

"You ARE Zaphod Beeblebrox?"
"Yeah," said Zaphod, "but don't shout it out or they'll all want one."
"The Zaphod Beeblebrox?"
"No, just A Zaphod Bebblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six packs?"
"But sir," it squealed, "I just heard on the sub-ether radio report. It said you were dead..."
"Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet."

-- Zaphod and the Guide's receptionist.

"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."

-- The Book decribing Milliways' politically incorrect decor.

"...and the Universe," continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his home stretch, "will explode later for your pleasure."
Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling.
"Wow," he said, "What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?"
The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh.
"Ah," he said, "I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me."
"Oh, I hope not,"breathed Ford.

-- Ford in paradise.

Zaphod grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and bought most of it.

-- Zaphod in paradise.

"`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police," said Trillian. "Everybody saw you come in."
"You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?" said Zaphod, "Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered."
"Yeah," said a voice from under the table [Ford's now completely rat- arsed at this point], "you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel."

-- Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call.

"Hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain."
The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.
"I beg your pardon, sir?" he said.
"The phone, waiter," said Zaphod, grabbing it off him. "Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off."

-- Zaphod discovers that waiters are the least hip people in the Universe.

"The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it."

-- Ford making his way out of Milliways whilst under the influence of enough alcohol to make a rhino sing.

"`The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."

-- Marvin reflecting back on his 576,000,003,579 year career as Milliways' car park attendent.

"Incidentally," he said, "what does teleport mean?"
Another moment passed.
Slowly, the others turned to face him.
"Probably the wrong moment to ask," said Arthur, "It's just I remember you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up because..."
"Where," said Ford quietly, "does it say teleport?"
"Well, just over here in fact," said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear of the cabin, "just under the word "emergency", above the word "system" and beside the sign saying "out of order"

-- Arthur finding an escape route from a certain death situation.

"We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them."
The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford.
"Stick it up your nose," he said.
"Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know," insisted the girl, "Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally'"

-- Ford "debating" what to do with fire with a marketing girl.

Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts

"The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck (or `Spain' as the BBC TV publicity department authorititively has it, probably because it's easier to spell)."

-- Foreward by DNA.

FORD Six pints of bitter. And quickly please, the world's about to end.
BARMAN Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

-- Fit the First.

BOOK Meanwhile, the starship has landed on the surface of Magrathea and Trillian is about to make one of the most important statements of her life. Its importance is not immediately recognised by her companions.
TRILL. Hey, my white mice have escaped.
ZAPHOD Nuts to your white mice.

-- Fit the Third.

"Another section inspired by American TV - this time `Starsky and Hutch'. In this show the heroes claimed that they did care about people getting shot, so they crashed their cars into them instead."

-- DNA on the origins of Shooty and Bang Bang in Fit the Fourth.

ARTHUR What is an Algolian Zylatburger anyway?
FORD They're a kind of meatburger made from the most unpleasant parts of a creature well known for its total lack of any pleasant parts.
ARTHUR So you mean that the Universe does actually end not with a bang but with a Wimpy?

-- Cut dialogue from Fit the Fifth.

BOOK There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

-- Introduction to Fit the Seventh.

FORD Tell me Arthur...
ARTHUR Yes?
FORD This boulder we're stuck under, how big would you say it was? Roughly?
ARTHUR Oh, about the size of Coventry Cathedral.
FORD Do you think we could move it? (Arthur doesn't reply) Just asking.

-- Ford and Arthur in a tricky situation, Fit the Eighth.

ARTHUR It's not a question of whose habitat it is, it's a question of how hard you hit it.

-- Arthur pointing out one of the disadvantages of gravity, Fit the Tenth.

Life, the Universe and Everything

He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide.
"I will go mad!" he announced.

-- Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth.

"... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic."
Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again.
"Where," he said, "did you...?'
"Find a gin and tonic?" said Ford brightly. "I found a small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped in and out of that. At least, I think it thought it was a gin and tonic."
"I may," he addded with a grin which would have sent sane men scampering into the trees, "have been imagining it."

-- Ford updating Arthur about what he's been doing for the past four years.

"Eddies," said Ford, "in the space-time continuum."
"Ah," nodded Arthur, "is he? Is he?"

-- Arthur failing in his first lesson of galactic physics in four years.

Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department.

-- Ford trying to rectify that situation.

Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed position.
Arthur sat up.
"Where am I?" he said."
"Lord's Cricket Ground," said Ford.
"Fine," said Arthur, and his consciousness stepped out again for a quick breather. His body flopped back on the grass.

-- Arthur coping with his return to Earth as best as he could.

"A curse," said Slartibartfast, "which will engulf the Galaxy in fire and destruction, and possibly bring the Universe to a premature doom. I mean it," he added.
"Sounds like a bad time," said Ford, "with luck I'll be drunk enough not to notice."

-- Ford ensuring everyone knew where his priorities lay.

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."

-- Ford's last ditch attempt to get out of helping Slartibartfast.

Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness.
"Go to it," it said, "and good luck."
It was cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the Universe and ways of coping with that."

-- One of the more preferable pieces of advice contained in the Guide.

His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point.

-- Arthur trying to see who had diverted him from going to a party.

Arthur yawed wildly as his skin tried to jump one way and his skeleton the other, whilst his brain tried to work out which of his ears it most wanted to crawl out of.
"Bet you weren't expecting to see me again," said the monster, which Arthur couldn't help thinking was a strange remark for it to make, seeing as he had never met the creature before. He could tell that he hadn't met the creature before from the simple fact that he was able to sleep at nights.

-- Arthur discovering who had diverted him from going to a party.

Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

-- Arthur realising that he's in a certain death situation with a supernova bomb that is shaped like a cricket ball.

So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

"Credit?" he said. "Aaaargggh..."
These two words are usually coupled together in the Old Pink Dog Bar.

-- Ford in a spot of bother.

"...we might as well start with where your hand is now."
Arthur said, "So which way do I go?"
"Down," said Fenchurch, "on this occaision."
He moved his hand.
"Down," she said, "is in fact the other way."
"Oh yes."

-- Arthur trying to discover which part of Fenchurch is wrong.

Mostly Harmless

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. ....When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building."

-- Nuff said??

"What's been happening here?" he demanded.
"Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit on your lap please?"
"Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate."
"I'm so happy."
"It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too bad. Got it?"
"I gurgle with pleasure."

-- Ford and Colin the robot.

What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and threw himself out of the window. That would at least keep the element of surprise on his side.

-- Ford outwitting a Vogon with a rocket launcher by going into another certain death situation.

"You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?"
"Really?" said Arthur. "No I didn't. For what offence?"
Trillian frowned.
"What do you mean, offence?"
"I see."

-- Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe eventually.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

So after a hectic week of believing that war was peace, that good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were hermaphrodites, and then broke down.

-- An Electric Monk has a few problems.

"Well," said Reg, in a loudly confidential whisper, as if introducing the subject of nipple-piercing in a nunnery...

-- Reg going into "tactful" mode.

"He believed in a door. He must find that door. The door was the way to... to... The Door was The Way. Good. Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to."

-- The Electric Monk discovering the reason why there are so many acronyms in computing.

"He had extracted himself from the Cambridge one-way system by the usual method, which involved going round and round it faster and faster until he achieved a sort of escape velocity and flew off at a tangent in a random direction."

-- Quantum transport physics explained.

"Well, I hope you had a lousy evening."
"I did," said Richard. "You wouldn't have liked it. There was a horse in the bathroom, and you know you hate that sort of thing."

-- Richard coping with a weird evening as best as he could.

Richard was looking at the bird as if it was the most extraordinary thing he had ever seen in his life, and the bird was looking at Richard as if defying him to find its beak even remotely funny.

-- Richard encounters some historical rain forest wildlife.

Last Chance To See....

"You're proposing twenty hours on a boat..."
"A small boat," added Mark.
"On violently heaving seas..."
"Probably."
"With a three-day-old dead goat."
"Yes."
"I hardly know what to say."

-- DNA learning what fun awaits him on the way to Komodo.

Mark turned and asked a pasenger behind us if these planes ever crashed. Oh yes, he was told, but not to worry - there hadn't been a serious crash now in months.

-- Mark being reassured of Bali airline safety.

Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to be true, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was when we were told that something would happen immediately, in which case it turned out not to be true over an extended period of time
_________________
"I hope you haven't become too attached to your head, because in about two seconds it will be festively decorating that back wall."

The_Dragon_Master · **The_Dragon_Master**

Here are a few more jokes.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy jumped into a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
____________________________________________________________________________________
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *YOU* were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Comback line of the year

Stickers for Ladies
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
And my favorite!
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!!!
____________________________________________________________________________________ COMEBACK LINE OF THE YEAR
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family- but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
____________________________________________________________________________________
Words Women Use (And What They Mean)
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Please send this out to ALL men that you know just to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if remembering all the terminology. And send to all your women friends to get a good laugh. Maybe...
____________________________________________________________________________________
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So,the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
Are you ready for it....................
Its worth the wait ...........................
It comes ................................
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
____________________________________________________________________________________
This is one fast thinking ticket clerk........
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Today's Joke:
Damn! It's good to be a man... Part I

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
____________________________________________________________________________________
A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
____________________________________________________________________________________
Here's some refreshing news:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
____________________________________________________________________________________
A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
____________________________________________________________________________________
"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Unknown
____________________________________________________________________________________
Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen –just vending machines.

Trick-or-treaters
are welcome here
but let us make it very clear,
behind this door lurks a
surprise it might be scary like
witches eyes.

So knock at the
door if you dare
because I see you
standing there
_________________
"I hope you haven't become too attached to your head, because in about two seconds it will be festively decorating that back wall."

Heero · **Heero**

Daikun · **Daikun**

PH34R TEH MUNNIEY1!!!!!!!!!!111111111111!!!!!!!!!!1

The_Dragon_Master · **The_Dragon_Master**

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --
A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --
Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --
Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --
George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
Just how much clean air do we really need?" --
Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

....Feeling smarter yet?
_________________
"I hope you haven't become too attached to your head, because in about two seconds it will be festively decorating that back wall."

CollegeBum · **CollegeBum**

Daikun · **Daikun**

Spookmonkey · **Spookmonkey**

_________________
"Veni. Vedi. Spooki." - Julius Caesar
I came. I saw. I spooked.

He's better than Pop-Rocks!

Daikun · **Daikun**

CollegeBum · **CollegeBum**

DUDE....howd you...thats...hummm...thats different for everyone right?
_________________
\\m// (>_<) \\m//

Thats what it is all about!


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